In Transition…

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about how uncomfortable this transition to a new state has been for me.  We made the decision to move quickly because we knew we were ready but we had a plan.  For me, the plan was to get a new job (my company was planning to lay me off in nine months), find a new yoga studio to join as a student and possibly a teacher, and explore everything that our new city had to offer.  Sounds easy enough right?  Well, what’s the saying? “If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans.”  God was definitely laughing because he knew none of those things were going to happen in the way I thought they would. 

Less than a month after our move I found out I was pregnant with our second child and that changed everything.  Pregnancy was not something I was mentally or emotionally prepared for. It was not something I wanted to be surprised with and certainly not in that moment.  Not after uprooting my life, selling everything and moving to a new state.  Not after moving far away from my village to a new place where I didn’t have much support.  I was pregnant again after losing our first child.  This was not a moment of joy, this was the most anxiety I had felt in my life.  What the hell was happening? And so that’s kind of where I’ve spent my last two years.  Stuck, in transition because motherhood has a way of breaking up everything you thought your life was into little tiny pieces. Pieces that you will never be able to put back together, so your best bet is to start rebuilding.  But this rebuilding has come with so much resistance and fear attached to it.  Most days I have no idea what I am even doing, I mostly feel like I am flailing and I want to run back to safety.  Back home because it would be “easier”.   I would have a built in community, friends and family, to support me and be there on days when I am lonely.  My favorite coffee shop and bakery would be right around the corner.  I would be able to navigate the city with ease, float in and out of yoga classes because I wouldn’t have to worry about childcare.  Working outside of the house would not be daunting because commute would not be such a huge factor.  All so much simpler.

 But then I quickly jump back into the reason why we made the moved to begin with, to grow.  All growth comes with a level of uncomfortableness and boy am I feeling it.  I’m feeling it and I’m continuing to push forward.  Working to get unstuck.  Starting this blog is proof to myself that I am doing MY work. I have more questions than answers right now and that’s okay.  

I was reading Until Today by Iyanla Vanzant as a part of my meditation the other morning and she pointed out to achieve any goal you need focus, discipline, and obedience. (Truthfully, I not in love with word obedience but I understand the message.)  From this reading I am affirming myself in these ways:

I am focused on navigating this transition and the goals I have set for myself. 

I am disciplined in my actions to achieve my goals.

I honor myself by staying obedient to the vision that I have for my life.